ACT I SCENE 1
[Silhouetted against the palm trees, the words Megolopolitan Pictures appear on the horizon. ERIKSON, the studio boss, appears with three other STUDIO DIRECTORS]
SONG: FAR FROM HIS BEST
ERIKSON: Good morning gentlemen. I would like to welcome you all to this meeting between the Megalopolitan Pictures Directors of Law, Publicity, Personality, and International Relations. As you know, we are here to discuss Sir Francis Hinsley’s latest screenplay – “The Mountains of Mourne” – which the author himself describes as “a fairy romance set against the turbulent background of Celtic Mythology”. So, what’s the verdict?
DIRECTORS [variously]: Disappointing. Terrible. Allergic to the asignment.
[Music under. A telephone rings. Lights up on DENNIS BARLOW typing furiously. He lifts the receiver.]
DENNIS: The Happier Hunting Ground. . .
[Lights up on THEODORA and WALTER HEINKEL]
MRS HEINKEL:
THIS IS THEODORA HEINKEL
MRS WALTER HEINKEL
THAT’S 207 VIA DOLOROSA BEL AIR
Have you got that?
DENNIS: 207 Dolorosa. I’ve got it. How may we be of service to you?
MRS HEINKEL: My . . . my – oh, it’s too awful! I can’t bring myself to speak of it.
WALTER: [Taking the receiver] Give it here . . .
IT’S HER LITTLE ARTHUR
HER PRECIOUS BABY ARTHUR
THE GUILT IS ALMOST TOO MUCH FOR HER TO BEAR
DENNIS: Ah . . . Mr Heinkel? I think I need you to be more specific.
MRS HEINKEL: [Taking back the receiver]
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE
I CAN NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF AND . . .
HELLO, HELLO? ARE YOU STILL THERE?
DENNIS: Yes, I’m coming at once. Please try and keep calm....
MRS HEINKEL:
HE WENT OUT AROUND NINE BUT HE DIDN’T COME BACK
BY MIDDAY MY NERVES WERE BEGINNING TO CRACK
SO WALTER CAME HOME ’CASE I HAD AN ATTACK
THEN AT EIGHT THERE’S A KNOCK – IT’S A MAN WITH A SACK!
DENNIS: The Happier Hunting ground is on it’s way.
[They hang up. Lights fade on DENNIS and the HEINKELS. Lights up on ERIKSON and DIRECTORS]
DIRECTOR 1:
IT'S FAR FROM HIS BEST
AND BORED ME TO TEARS
IT GOT ME SO DEPRESSED
TO READ THE WORST SCRIPT IN YEARS
DIRECTOR 2:
THE SUBTEXT IS THIN
HE SHOULD HAVE RETIRED
WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED HIM IN
BEFORE HIS CONTRACT EXPIRED
[Dim. Lights up on SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR and SIR FRANCIS on the telephone]
SWITCHBOARD: Good morning, Megalopolitan Administration.
FRANCIS: Good morning. This is Sir Francis Hinsley. I was wondering if you might know the whereabouts of my personal secretary? She’s usually very punctual and it is now nearly eleven thirty.
SWITCHBOARD: Yes, Sir Francis, that is correct.
FRANCIS: No, you misunderstand me. She usually arrives at nine thirty prompt to open the mail. [Pause]
SWITCHBOARD: Miss Mavrocordato has been transferred to the Catering Department. [Pause]
FRANCIS: Well, I must have somebody.
SWITCHBOARD: I’m not sure we have anyone available right now.
FRANCIS: This is most inconvenient. I’ll just have to come down to the studio and finish my work there. Will you have my car sent for me please?
SWITCHBOARD: I’ll put you through to Transportation. Please hold.
[Lights down on SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR. SIR FRANCIS continues to hold]
DIRECTOR 3:
HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND
AND WON'T TAKE ON BOARD
THE BUDGET FOR THE COSTUMES
WHICH WE JUST CAN'T AFFORD
[Lights up on CHAUFFEUR]
CHAUFFEUR: No, Sir Francis, I’m sorry, we don’t have a studio automobile here right now.
FRANCIS: I see.
CHAUFFEUR: Take a taxi!
[Lights down on SIR FRANCIS and CHAUFFEUR]
DIRECTOR 4:
IT'S HARD ON THE GUY
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
EXCUSES HE WILL BUY
BUT DO WE KNOW HE WON'T SUE
[Lights up on SIR AMBROSE and JOURNALIST. Ambrose is dressed in Shakespearean attire – a toga, leather leggings and a laurel crown. A SECRETARY hovers]
AMBROSE: Twenty years. Twenty years on American soil. I can hardly believe it. Nowadays I think of Tinseltown as my home. And I’ve always had two principles throughout my life in motion pictures: Never do before the camera what you would not do at home, and never do at home what you would not do before the camera. It’s always worked for me and. . .
SECRETARY: I’m sorry to interrupt, Sir Ambrose, but Mr Erikson would like to see you when you break for lunch.
AMBROSE: The canteen?
SECRETARY: In his office.
AMBROSE: Oh.
[Lights down on SIR AMBROSE]
TWO SECRETARIES:
WE THOUGHT HE WAS CUTE
AN OLD FASHIONED GENT
HE GOES AND GETS THE BOOT
AND IT WON'T COST THEM A CENT
[Lights up on SIR FRANCIS walking in on LORENZO MEDICI]
FRANCIS: I say. There must be some mistake.
MEDICI: Maybe there is too. Everything seems kinda screwy round here. I’ve spent half the morning clearing junk out of this room. Piles of stuff – bottles of medicine, books, photographs, kids’ games! Seems it belonged to some old Britisher who has just kicked off.
FRANCIS: I am that old Britisher and I have not kicked off.
MEDICI: I’m mighty glad to hear it.
FRANCIS: I must go and talk to Otto.
MEDICI: Hope there wasn’t anything you valued in all that junk. I just pushed it out into the passage. Maybe some janitor . . .
[Lights down on SIR FRANCIS and MEDICI]
ERIKSON :
IT’S JUST AN IDEA
CHORUS:
JUST AN IDEA
ERIKSON :
BUT I THINK HE JUST MIGHT
CHORUS:
WE THINK HE JUST MIGHT
ERIKSON :
BELIEVE OUR EXCUSE
ABOUT THE COPYRIGHT
CHORUS:
BELIEVE OUR EXCUSE
ALL:
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
ERIKSON:
SO WHEN HE ARRIVES
DON'T ANYONE LAUGH
WE WON'T GET OUT THE KNIVES
UNTIL WE'VE FATTENED THE CALF
ALL:
HM HM HM HM HM
[Lights up on SIR FRANCIS and SECRETARY]
SECRETARY: Oh! Sir Francis . . . Was there anyone in particular you were looking for?
FRANCIS: Yes, I’d like to speak to Otto.
SECRETARY: Mr Baumbein is in conference right now. Shall I have him call you?
FRANCIS: I’ll wait.
[Voices off]
OTTO: There’s a cousin of my wife just arrived – maybe I’d better give him a try-out on the job?
ERIKSON: Yes Sam. Have your wife’s cousin look it over.
[Lights up on SIR FRANCIS and OTTO]
FRANCIS: I’ve just found a Mr Medici in my office.
OTTO: Why, yes . . . Frank. Only he says it “Medissy”. Mr Medici is a very fine young man, with a very, very fine and wonderful record, who I’d be proud to have you meet.
FRANCIS: So where do I work?
OTTO: ....well, now see here, Frank . . . that’s a thing I want very much to talk to you about – but I haven’t the time right now. I haven’t the time have I, dear?
SECRETARY 2: [off] No Mr Baumbein, you certainly haven’t the time.
OTTO: How say I give you a ring next week sometime?
FRANCIS: What about my script?
OTTO:
IT'S GOTTA HAVE GRIT
IT NEEDS TO BE COOL
ADJUST THE BOOK A BIT
AND HAVE IT END IN A DUEL
YOU'VE EARNED SOME TIME OFF
YOU'RE GETTING UPTIGHT
WITHIN A WEEK YOU'LL COUGH UP
SOMETHING DYNAMITE
FRANCIS: I’m going to see Mr Erikson . . .
OTTO: Mighty nice of you to look us up. I appreciate that. No, I do really. Come again. Come often, Frank.
[Lights dim as SIR FRANCIS moves off . Lights up on ERIKSON and SIR AMBROSE still dressed in toga and laurel crown. As Erikson speaks AMBROSE toys with a prop dagger.]
ERIKSON: I don’t suppose there’s anyone left in Hollywood – except yourself – who remembers Frank in his prime. Wasn’t he the first English- man to go into motion pictures?
AMBROSE: Well, one of the first. You might say he laid the foundations on which I – on which we all have built. He did yeoman service. Yes, you could say he was our first ambassador. However . . . ? We’ve all had to move with the times. Frank has – well, he’s just lost touch.
[ERIKSON motions to SIR AMBROSE to look behind him. He turns to face SIR FRANCIS who has entered without either of them noticing.]
VOICE 1:
IT’S FAR FROM HIS BEST
VOICE 2:
THE CONTENT IS LIGHT
ERIKSON: Frank...
VOICE 3:
THE PASSIONATE SCENES
VOICE 4:
THEY’LL FAIL TO IGNITE
FRANCIS: It would have been civil to tell me.
VOICE 1:
THE SUBTEXT IS WEAK
VOICE 2:
THE THEMES DON’T UNITE
SPLIT CHORUS:
IT’S JUST AN IDEA / JUST AN IDEA
BUT I THINK HE JUST MIGHT / I THINK HE JUST MIGHT
BELIEVE OUR EXCUSE
ERIKSON: The letter is on its way. These things get hung up sometimes, as you know; so many different departments, the Legal Branch, Finance, Labour Disputes Section, etc, etc. But I don’t anticipate any trouble in your case. You’ve had a record run. Twenty-five years isn’t it? There’s not even a provision in your contract for repatriation. Your termination ought to whip right through.
[They all attempt to shake hands. ERIKSON and SIR AMBROSE exit leaving SIR FRANCIS alone]
FRANCIS: Junk...
[The lights slowly fade on SIR FRANCIS as he picks up the dagger left behind by SIR AMBROSE]
CHORUS:
IT'S JUST AS WE SAID
THE OLD BOY IS THROUGH
HE WENT TO BED
TO MEND HIS HEAD
TWAS ALL HE COULD DO
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
ACT I SCENE 2
[Doorbell. The Heinkel’s hallway. Music continues under. THEODORA slumps in a chair whilst WALTER paces. WALTER opens the door to reveal DENNIS carrying an aluminium container.]
SONG: THINK OF THIS BEFORE YOU WEEP
DENNIS: Mr W. H., all happiness!
WALTER: Pardon me?
DENNIS: I am The Happier Hunting Ground.
WALTER: Boy, am I pleased to see you. It's been a long night. Come along in.
DENNIS: Will this be large enough?
WALTER: Plenty. [Theodora gasps] This has been a terrible experience for Mrs Heinkel. I haven’t seen her like this since they took her off the tranquillizers. [He exits]
DENNIS: The Happier Hunting Ground assumes all responsibility.
MRS HEINKEL: As I’d arranged to have some friends over to dine with us, and Mr Heinkel said “What the heck – you can’t cancel at the last minute?” – we went ahead with it. I had just served the consommé when we heard the news.
DENNIS: It must have been a great shock for you both.
MRS HEINKEL: I keep thinking . . . a city wagon! [Walter returns with a small but bulky sack in his arms.] I don’t want to see him! Oh don’t let me see him!
DENNIS: [opening the box] He’s in capable hands now Mrs Heinkel. We’ll take good care of him. [To WALTER] Shall we discuss arrangements now, or would you prefer a call tomorrow morning?
WALTER: Now would be preferable, I think. Get it out of the way, you know? I’m a pretty busy man in the mornings.
DENNIS: I understand entirely.
To you who've lost a friend
We're with you till the end
Until you wave goodbye
And as the days unfold
And Arthur's growing cold
You're sure to wonder why
If there's a greater power
To nurture every flower
Why take this life away
You'll save on Arthur's fare
Cos we transport him there
On the appointed day
You need to look at all the options
Would little Arthur rather burn
It's all over in a flash
And once you've sifted through his ash
Then you can stash him on the sideboard in an urn
[Alternative:]
We have an unambitious friar
With his irons in the fire
Who will put you down as buyer
For an urn
[Music continues under]
WALTER: The best will be good enough.
DENNIS: Do you require a niche in our columbarium or would you prefer to keep the remains at home?
WALTER: [after a pause] What you said first.
DENNIS: Perhaps I might draw your attention to a unique feature of our Grade A Service?
WALTER: [suspiciously] Go ahead.
At the moment of committal
A pure white dove
In memory of your deceased
Is released up above
WALTER: Yup! She'd appreciate the dove all right.
We inscribe on a card that will come without fail
On the day that he died every year in the mail
Your little Arthur
In Heaven today
Is thinking of you
And wagging his tail
DENNIS: There’s no extra charge for that.
WALTER: That’s a very beautiful thought, Mr . . . ?
DENNIS: Barlow. Dennis Barlow.
WALTER: You’re British, right?
DENNIS: Through and through, Mr Heinkel.
WALTER: I had a sister who emigrated to Birmingham. You might know her.
DENNIS: I must say that I’ve never had cause to visit Birmingham. So, if you’ll just sign the order.
WALTER: It’s been a great pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Barlow. You will never know the great responsibility you have lifted from my shoulders.
DENNIS: That is what The Happier Hunting Ground aims to do. Before I leave, and with your permission, I would like to offer a small poem of my own composition by way of comfort.
Think of this before you weep
Death on all of us doth creep
It is true that Arthur's gone
But his spirit lingers on
When you see a can of meat
A bone a ball a chewy treat
Just reminders through the fog
Of a dear beloved dog
Gone to a kingdom way up high
That heavenly lamppost in the sky
[DENNIS exits. BLACKOUT]

Welcome to the official website of
Timothy Higgs
Timothy Higgs is a lyricist, composer, conductor and musical director. He is the father of web designer Jonathan Higgs, of the composer Andrew Higgs and the film director David Higgs. He has three other children, Katherine, Christopher and Michael. His sister is the voice coach, composer, producer and director Jessica Higgs. Tim is a lifelong supporter of the Labour party.