[AIMÉE looks up and is startled by JOYBOY who has been standing unseen behind her. She quickly conceals the letter]
 

JOYBOY: A secret admirer?
AIMÉE: Oh – no. Groceries. That sort of thing. 

 

[Pause]

 

JOYBOY: I think this might be a good opportunity for you and me to have a little chat? It concerns the last two or three months.
AIMÉE: Oh yes?
JOYBOY: I have detected a slight – change in you.
AIMÉE: I apologise if I’ve seemed a little distracted – I don’t feel it has in any way affected my work.
JOYBOY: Not at all. Quite the contrary. The slight change I speak of is more of a step forward in your technique.
AIMÉE: Oh?
JOYBOY: Indeed. You have proved yourself in the lowlier tasks to be worthy of the higher. After a great deal of thought, I have decided that the time has come when women should take their proper place at Whispering Glades. To be brief, Miss Thanatogenos, I intend to train a female embalmer and my choice has fallen on you!

 

 

 

 

[Bells chime loudly]

AIMÉE: Oh, Mr Joyboy! I don’t know what to say.
JOYBOY: Say nothing. I take it you accept?
AIMÉE: Why yes, Mr Joyboy!
JOYBOY: Then this is the moment to take you behind the oilcloth curtains for – a masterclass!

 

SONG: MASTERCLASS

 

NOW PUT THIS ON

SECURE THE TAPE
NOW WASH YOUR HANDS

I'LL DO THE DRAPE

 

[AIMÉE looks round to see him dabbing liquid behind his ears. Showing her the bottle . . . ]

 

YOU LIKE THE SMELL

FORMALDEHYDE

PERFUME MADE FAMOUS

BY THE FAMOUS WHO HAVE DIED

 

[Taking her in his arms, he quickly waltzes her behind a low screen which masks a corpse laid out beneath a sheet. JOYBOY lifts the fabric]

 

NOW FIRST THINGS FIRST
THE EYES YOU CLOSE
WHAT A SURPRISE TO SEE HIM DOZE
WE MUST MAKE SURE TO WIPE HIS NOSE
WE DON'T WANT DRIPPING ON A BRAND NEW SUIT OF CLOTHES

 

NOW SEARCH FOR SCARS
SUSPICIOUS BUMPS
TRACES OF JAUNDICE POX OR MUMPS
WHEN WE HAVE DONE HE'LL COME UP TRUMPS
SWEET LORD AND JESUS HE IS COMING OUT IN LUMPS

 

IN A WEEK OR TWO

YOU'LL HAVE HEAPS TO DO
SO NO EXTRA PALAVER

FOR YOUR FIRST CADAVER
FROM TOP TO TOE
IT'S A LOT TO KNOW
BUT A GIFT TO A NOVICE LIKE YOU

 

Always remember the Three S’s – Strangling, Slashing and Stifling. The most common causes of death by a third party. No signs here? No gunshot wounds? Excellent. A simple, straightforward case for your first embalment, Miss Thanatogenos. And now – Transfusion Time!

 

STAND OVER THERE
SO YOU CAN SEE
HERE’S HIS CAROTID ARTERY
IT’S REALLY BIG SO TAKE YOUR PICK
YOU HAVE TO SNIP A LITTLE SNICK TO DO THE TRICK

 

NOW SLIDE THIS VIAL
INTO HIS VEINS
THEN GET HIM PLUGGED INTO THE MAINS
THEN THROW THE SWITCH SEE HOW HE DRAINS

THE STUFF IS FREEZING BUT HE NEVER ONCE COMPLAINS

 

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND
OF IT GUSHING ROUND
NOT A SIGN OF DECAY

SLOWLY FADING TO GREY

IT IS HARD TO WORK

ON A YARD OF CLERK

WHO'LL GET PLENTY OF PRAISE ON THE DAY

And now, if I may intrude a personal note, I think this calls for a little celebration? Would you do me the honour of taking supper with me this evening? At my home?
AIMÉE: Oh, Mr Joyboy. I did make a sort of date.
JOYBOY: Never fear, Miss Thanatogenos, it was not my intention that we should be alone. It will be my very great privilege to present the first lady embalmer of Whispering Glades – to my Mom!
AIMÉE: Oh.
 

JOYBOY:

YOU’RE UNIQUE MISS T
LITTLE HONEYBEE
THERE’S NO CAUSE FOR ALARM

YOU’LL DISARM HER WITH CHARM

SHE’S SO SWEET YOU SEE

WITH HER REPARTEE

THERE’S NO WITTIER GIRL THAN MY MOM

 

You’ll just love her.

 

MY SPECIAL TOUCH
THE FAMOUS SMILE
A SECRET NOT KEPT HERE ON FILE
A PIECE OF CARD BETWEEN HIS TEETH
THE LITTLE SECRET OF A TRICK LIES FAR BENEATH

IT TAKES SOME TIME
TO DRAIN THE SCULL
TIME FOR A MOMENTARY LULL
AS YOU CAN SEE WE'RE QUITE ALONE
I LIKE TO GIVE THEM HALF A MINUTE TO ATONE

HE'S OF GAY DESCENT
TRÉS ÉTABLISSEMENT
SUCH AN AQUALINE NOSE

A COIFFEUR D'YOU SUPPOSE

HE'S A SYMPHONY

IN A WOEFUL KEY
TIME TO PUT HIM IN CLOTHES

AND PREPARE FOR THE POSE 

 

WHAT A PROPER GENT

WITH A TEMPERAMENT
JUST A TOUCH UP WITH PAINT

AND HE'LL LOOK WHAT HE AINT

AN AMAZING FEAT

IT WAS SUCH A TREAT
NOW YOUR WORK IS COMPLETE

HE LOOKS LIKE A SAINT

 

[BLACKOUT]