From the stage musical The Loved One

Music by Timothy Higgs, book by Robert Styles, lyrics by Robert Styles and Timothy Higgs

This is an alternative version to the Heinkel Scene (See Act I Scene 2). In the first version, the business about the Happier Hunting Ground is through-sung. In this version, the business is handled in the dialogue and DENNIS takes leave of the HEINKELS with this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

SONG: ARTHUR'S TESTAMENT

 

[The Heinkel’s hallway. An emotionally drained THEODORA sits in a chair whilst her husband paces. The doorbell rings. WALTER opens the door to reveal DENNIS carrying an aluminium container.]

 

DENNIS: Mr W. H., all happiness!
WALTER: Pardon me?
DENNIS: I am The Happier Hunting Ground.
WALTER: [with a wink] Boy, am I pleased to see you. Come along in.

DENNIS: Will this be large enough?
WALTER: Plenty. [Theodora gasps at the sight of the box] This has been a terrible experience for Mrs Heinkel. I haven’t seen her like this since they took her off the tranquillizers. [He exits]
DENNIS: The Happier Hunting Ground assumes all responsibility.
MRS HEINKEL: [slightly dazed] As I’d arranged to have some friends over to dine with us, and Mr Heinkel said “What the heck – you can’t cancel at the last minute?” – we went ahead with it. I had just served the consommé when we heard the news.
DENNIS: It must have been a great shock for you both.
MRS HEINKEL: I keep thinking . . . a city wagon! [Walter returns with a small but bulky sack in his arms.] I don’t want to see him! Oh don’t let me see him!
DENNIS: [opening the box] He’s in capable hands now Mrs Heinkel. We’ll take good care of him. [To Mr Heinkel, in hushed tones] Shall we discuss arrangements now, or would you prefer to call in the morning?

WALTER: Now would be preferable, I think. Get it out of the way, you know? I’m a pretty busy man in the mornings.

DENNIS: I understand entirely.

 

 

DENNIS:

To you who've lost a friend

We're with you till the end

Until you wave goodbye

 

And as the days unfold

And Arthur's growing cold

You're sure to wonder why

 

If there's a greater power

To nurture every flower

Why take this life away

 

Beside some quick cement

He left his testament

This is what he had to say

 

[Encouraged by Walter, Dennis continues]

 

I leave my bone to Walter Heinkel

Who's better known as Charles Dubois

You fled the Vaterland

When things got out of hand

And no one here knows who you are

 

I leave my lead to Theodora

I have a feed who swore he saw her

Once lift a pair of tights

Among the Christmas lights

And no one here knows who you are

 

Don't forget the cat at number seven

He can have my doggy feeding bowl

I won't need to feed cos I am leaven

Every doggy breed contains a soul

 

I leave the sunshine to Golda Bung

Our next-door neighbour to hold her tongue

I stand at Hades gate

You too await your fate

Your deadly sins amount to seven

You must account for them in Heaven

 

[Walter takes from his pocket a huge wad of notes which Dennis pockets, then spreads the contract

on the table which Walter signs hastily]

 

And so from far above

Young Arthur sends his love

And screw the cat at number seven

I do the Dogtrot into Heaven

I do the Dogtrot into Heaven