ACT I SCENE 5

 

[The Orchid Room. Under the ‘beady-eyed’ supervision of MR VOGEL, the COSMETICIANS are busy shampooing and blow-drying and generally beautifying the Loved Ones. AMÉE THANATOGENOS is intent on SIR FRANCIS when MR JOYBOY enters]

 

JOYBOY: Good morning, Team.

ALL: [with adoration] Good morning, Mr Joyboy.
VOGEL: Are you free for the first pair of the day, Sir?
JOYBOY: As always, Mr Vogel, as always.
VOGEL: Will you be taking the infant yourself?
JOYBOY: Is it a mother and child?
VOGEL: No, Mr Joyboy. No relation.
JOYBOY: Very well. Will you take the adult please, Mr Vogel? Had they been mother and child I would have taken both. Not everyone would notice it but there is something in individual technique. If I saw a pair that had been embalmed by different hands I would know at once and would feel that the child did not properly belong to its mother. I shall take the infant myself. There is something in the innocent appeal of a child that brings out a little more than the best in me . . . [he lays his hand on AIMÉE’s shoulder] Good morning, Miss Thanatogenos.
AIMÉE: Good morning, Mr Joyboy.
JOYBOY: Ah, the Lacerated One. Beautiful work. I can always trust you to carry out my intention. Did you have difficulty with the right eyelid?
AIMÉE: Just a little.
JOYBOY: A tendency to open in the inside corner?
AIMÉE: Yes, but I worked a little cream under the lid and then firmed it with number six.
JOYBOY: Excellent. I never have to tell you anything. Yes, I fancy he’s coming up nicely. Supple.
AIMÉE: But Mr Joyboy, you’ve given him the Radiant Childhood Smile.

JOYBOY: Yes, don’t you like it?
AIMÉE: Of course, but his Waiting One didn’t ask for it.
JOYBOY: Miss Thanatogenos, for you the Loved Ones just naturally smile. It’s true. It seems I am powerless to prevent it. When I am working there’s something inside me says “He’s on his way to Miss Thanatogenos” and my fingers just seem to take control. Haven’t you noticed it?
AIMÉE: Well, I did say only last week “All the Loved Ones that come from Mr Joyboy have the most beautiful smiles”. 

JOYBOY: Bless you, Miss T, they are all for you. Just read the label. [AMY reads from an I.D. tag tied to SIR FRANCIS’S big toe]

AIMÉE: “To my own Miss T – With love J. B.” [He turns back the sheet further to reveal a heart-shaped candy box on a silver plate] Oh, Mr Joyboy... [Their eyes meet]
JOYBOY: [suddenly uncomfortable] Yes. Um . . . I – [Turning his attention to SIR FRANCIS] I do believe he is firming. [AIMÉE lets out a small shriek] Carry on everybody. [He exits quickly]

 

 

 

 

SONG: CHOCOLATES

 

COS. 1: So, what are your plans this weekend, Val? I mean – man-wise!
COS. 2: Hal’s taking me to a movie.
COS. 3: Hal? He’s new. Not heard you mention him before.
COS. 1: She’s been keeping him under wraps, haven’t you Val?
COS. 2: Yeah. He’s really hunky.
COS. 3: Aren’t they all?
COS. 4: So it’ll be the back row at the Coronet for the third Saturday running. Hal and Val . . .
 

[They roar with laughter. The lights fade leaving AIMÉE apart holding pen and paper. Music continues under]

 

AIMÉE: [writing] Dear Guru Brahmin, you may remember that I wrote to you in May last for advice concerning a man who is head of the department in which I work. In case you do not remember, my letter appeared in your column together with your reply and, although I am grateful for this, I am enclosing a stamped address envelope this time as I should not like what I have to say referred to in print. Last time you said you did not consider I was in love. But recently, he has made it plain that he prefers me to the other girls and, though he has not said so yet, I feel sure he is trying to tell me something…  

 

AIMÉE:

Chocolates

He sends me chocolates

With every corpse he sends me chocolates on a tray

Chocolates

So many chocolates

They're far too nice and Heaven knows how much I weigh

 

It's not the pralines on a plate

That put me in this torrid state

But more the prospect of a date that gives me thrush

 

He calls me little honey-bee

I know it sounds a little twee

But Mr Joyboy's full of glee to see me blush

 

(Spoken) Last time - dear Guru - you said that esteem for a man’s character and admiration of his business ability may form the basis of an improving friendship - but they are not Love. But since then my feelings in his presence incline me to believe that there is a physical affinity between us. How else then do I explain the…

 

Chocolates

He sends me chocolates

And sends a message tied discreetly to a toe

Chocolates

It states quite firmly

From Mr Joyboy to Miss T I'll have you know

 

It's not the toe that makes me gag

Though Mr Joyboy is a wag

He knows I always keep a bag in case I'm sick

 

So take on board he writes a note

And sends a corpse so full of bloat

That in the water it would float without a brick

 

(Spoken) Last time – dear Guru - you said you knew of cases who only experienced love after several years’ acquaintance. You said you knew of cases who only experienced love after several years of marriage - and the arrival of Junior. This worries me. Life isn’t like that in the movies…

 

Chocolates

He sends me chocolates

A box of chocs to decorate the corpse's feet

Chocolates

Delicious chocolates

Does he imagine I don't get enough to eat

 

During May when we were working

Mr Joyboy took to lurking

Just to see that we weren't shirking after lunch

 

And when at last Thanksgiving neared

Was when the chocolates first appeared

Which though astonishingly weird confirmed my hunch

 

(Dialogue) 

 

Chocolates

He sends me chocolates

Mr Joyboy always likes to show some style

Chocolates

A load of chocolates

To every mouth he lends a radiant little smile

 

Chocolates

He sends me chocolates

Oh Guru Brahmin won't you tell me what he's at

Chocolates

It's overwhelming

So many calories I've never been this fat

 

Chocolates

He sends me chocolates

So full of sugar that I think I'd rather not

Chocolates

So many chocolates

I'm sure if you were me you'd guzzle up the lot

 

[Alternative/extra lyrics:]

[Chocolates

A pound of chocolates

Yoo-hoo Guru do you think it sets a trend

Chocolates

So many chocolates

They keep on coming and they drive me round the bend

 

Chocolates

I'm overeating

So many chocolates that I don't know what to do

Chocolates

I'm overheating

I half suspect that there's some rum in one or two]

 

Guru Brahmin you've a heart of gold

You tend to all within your fold

Tell me why if little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow why oh why can't I