[Scene continues from WHO'D'VE THOUGHT IT]

 

[MUSIC under]

 

JOYBOY: ... I was wondering, Miss Thanatogenos – it seems kinda bitter there shouldn’t be anyone at the last rites. She certainly would appreciate someone at the funeral.
AIMÉE: [resignedly] Why, Mr Joyboy, of course I’d be glad to come.

JOYBOY: Would you? Well. I call that real nice of you.

 

[BLACKOUT]

 

Act II Scene 6

 

 

 

 

 

[The Happier Hunting Ground Chapel of Rest. DENNIS, SCHULTZ and a PRIEST are preparing for the next funeral]

 

DENNIS: Mr Schultz, I’m getting married so I want to improve my position.
SCHULTZ: No way. Not at present. You’re getting five bucks more than the man before you. I don’t say you ain’t worth it but the money just ain’t here. If business looks up, you’ll be the first to know. [Producing his cheque book] Sorry, Father. Did we say twenty bucks?

DENNIS: My girl doesn’t know I work here. She’s a bit of a romantic. I’m not sure she’d think well of this business.
SCHULTZ: Well, you tell her to lay off being romantic. Forty bucks a week regular is forty bucks. Now hurry up. The next bus load will be here any minute. [He exits]

DENNIS: Tell me – how does one become a clergyman?
PRIEST: One has the Call.
DENNIS: I think I might have the Call.
PRIEST: Think twice about answering it – the competition gets hotter every year.

 

[SCHULTZ enters hurriedly]

 

SCHULTZ: Goddammit! They’re early!
DENNIS: They’re here already?
SCHULTZ: Coming up the drive. Three of them – and you’re not even changed. Do I have to be your mother as well as your goddamn provider? ’Scuse us, Father.

 

[DENNIS and SCHULTZ exit. The door flies open as SCHULTZ propels MRS MELLY, an elderly organist, into the room]

 

SCHULTZ: Mrs Melly. PLAY!

[He exits. As she begins, the doorbell chimes. The PRIEST opens the door to reveal AIMÉE, JOYBOY and MRS JOYBOY, who is beside herself with grief]

 

PRIEST: Be at peace, good woman. Sambo is at rest.

 

[As they all assemble around a curtained niche, the PRIEST glances nervously towards the door where SCHULTZ made his exit – the trio follow his glance. Seen only by the PRIEST, SCHULTZ appears behind a curtain and gestures for the funeral to begin]

 

PRIEST: Dog that is born of bitch – sorry. Wrong service. Parrot that is born of – parrot hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cutteth down like a flower.

 

[DENNIS and SCHULTZ, their heads bowed, slip in behind the group]

 

He fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay. We now commit his body to the flames in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life. Amen.

 

[The PRIEST taps a button – the curtains open to reveal a ‘curled’ Sambo lying in a small open casket, his head resting on a lace pillow. MRS JOYBOY swoons into the arms of SCHULTZ. AIMÉE sees and recognises DENNIS]

 

AIMÉE: Dennis!
DENNIS: Aimee!
JOYBOY: Dennis?
MOM: [to SCHULTZ] Sidney!
SCHULTZ: [to MRS JOYBOY] Phyllis! Well – if it isn’t the Vamp of Vermont! 

 

 

SONG: REPRISE: COMPANY

 

SCHULTZ

YOU’VE NOT CHANGED A BIT

 

MRS JOYBOY:
YOU’VE GOTTEN SO FAT

 

SCHULTZ:
YOU GET TO MY AGE

IT JUST GOES KERSPLATT

THE KIDS HAVE GROWN UP

 

MRS JOYBOY:
I DON’T FEEL BEREFT

 

BOTH:
SO LET’S GO PAINT THE TOWN
IN ALL THE TIME WE HAVE LEFT

 

COMPANY

 

MRS JOYBOY:
THE LAST I HEARD YOU’D GONE TO KAYSERI

 

SCHULTZ:
IT’S NOT THE KINDA PLACE YOU WANNA BE

PERHAPS YOU WANNA HAVE A DRINK WITH ME

 

MRS JOYBOY:
THIS VAMP’S ON VERMOUTH

 

BOTH:

COMPANY

 

MRS JOYBOY:
AND ALL THE TIME YOU’D NOT FORGOTTEN ME

 

SCHULTZ:
THIS DAME SHE REALLY HAD THE HOTS ON ME

 

BOTH:
WE JUST FORGOT TO TIE THE KNOT THIS TIME WE'LL

 

SCHULTZ:
GO AND GET THE BEDDING

 

MRS JOYBOY:
THIS IS WHAT I'M DREADING

 

BOTH:

I'LL BE YOURS ETERNALLY 

 

MRS JOYBOY: Don’t wait up, Junior.

 

[They exit followed by the PRIEST and MRS MELLY]

DENNIS: [to AIMÉE, making light conversation] Were you acquainted with the late parrot?
JOYBOY: So – this is Dennis Barlow. The Poet Laureate.
AIMÉE: What do you mean?
JOYBOY: I’ve been doing some detective work. Those poems he’s been sending you. I’ve had it confirmed – classics – all of them. He didn’t write a single line.
DENNIS: You’ve set all this up.
AIMÉE: What’s going on?
DENNIS: You sanctimonious pest!
AIMÉE: You work here!
JOYBOY: Come on, Aimée.
DENNIS: [as they depart] My dear, as an American, you should be the last person to despise a man for standing at the bottom of the ladder. But what would you know – other than the ins and outs of psychology and Chinese? I cannot claim to be as high in the mortuary world as the Joyboy – but at least I wear my own teeth!

 

[MUSIC UNDER; SCENE CHANGE]