ACT II SCENE 5

 

SONG: WHO'D'VE THOUGHT IT

 

 

 

 

 

[The Orchid Room. The COSMETICIANS are busy at work when two of them enter excitedly]

 

 

COSMETICIANS 1 AND 2:

HEY GIRLS HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS

 

VARIOUS: [in the musical gap]

No, what/What's it about/Something happened?

 

COSMETICIANS 1 AND 2:

TIME TO STAND BY WITH THE RICE

 

COS. 1:

YOU TELL THEM FIRST I’M SO EXCITED

 

COS. 2:

YOU’LL NOT BELIEVE WHAT WE’VE HEARD

THIS TIME HER LOVE HAS BEEN REQUITED

 

COS. 1:

OUR AIMÉE IS TO BE UNITED

 

COS. 2:

I wanted to say that.

 

ALL:

ARE YOU JOKING

WHO’D’VE THOUGHT IT

IT’S AMAZING

CAN’T BELIEVE IT

 

WE THOUGHT SHE’D NEVER DECIDE

 

VOGEL:

DO I HEAR BELLS

 

YOU SURE SHE’S GOT THE RIGHT GUY

 

VOGEL:

SO WHERE’S THE RING

 

[AIMÉE enters]

 

HERE COMES THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE

WITH HER FACE JUST GLOWING WITH PRIDE

 

VOGEL:

I’M GONNA CRY I’M SO DELIGHTED 

 

[They all crowd around her]

 

COS. 2 [aside]:

OF COURSE THIS MOOD CANNOT LAST

 

COS. 1:

WHY WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN

 

COS. 2:

I HEAR THAT JOYBOY’S NOT INVITED

 

COS. 1:

Are you kidding?

 

ALL:

WHAT’S HIS NAME AND

IS HE GORGEOUS

YOU’LL BE FINE SO

DON’T BE NERVOUS

 

AIMÉE:

HE’S FOUND A PLACE HERE IN MY HEART

AND CARVED HIS NAME FOR EVER MORE

NO ONE WOULD DARE FORCE US APART

 

VOGEL:

IT SOUNDS SO LIKE A CRIB FROM EVELYN WAUGH

 

[They all roar with laughter. Grabbing a sheet and a towel they place AIMÉE in an imaginary wedding dress]

 

ALL:

IT’S TIME TO GET OUT THE RICE

LET’S PUT THE CHAMPAGNE ON ICE

 

VOGEL:

SAVE SOME FOR ME

 

[AIMÉE walks down a human tunnel]

 

CHORUS A (BOYS):

HERE COMES THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE

WITH HER FACE JUST GLOWING WITH PRIDE

 

ALL:

NOW ALL SAY CHEESE CONGRATULATIONS

 

CHORUS (GIRLS):

MAKE SURE THEY DRESS YOU IN WHITE

 

CHORUS (BOYS):

A HOTEL ROOM WITH A VIEW

 

CHORUS (GIRLS):

YOU’LL BE A FABULOUS SIGHT 

 

CHORUS B (BOYS):

A BRIDAL SUITE JUST FOR TWO

 

WE KNOW YOU’VE GOT THE RIGHT GUY

YOU’VE GOT THAT GLEAM IN YOUR EYE

A BY-THE-SEA HONEYMOON                                  SO WE'LL BE THERE CHEERING YOU ON

YOU’LL STAY IN BED UNTIL NOON                         YOU'LL LOVE YOUR WEDDING DAY

 

[A PORTER wheels in a covered corpse and with a flourish whips off the sheet to reveal JOYBOY. A scream – the group divides into horrified onlookers. AIMÉE slowly approaches the body, but as she nears the trolley, JOYBOY suddenly opens his eyes]

 

JOYBOY:

PLEASE EXCUSE THIS RUDE INTRUSION

NO NEED FOR THE JOY TO CEASE

PRIVATE WORDS I SEEK WITH AMY

LEAVE US NOW TO SPEAK IN PEACE

 

[They leave. A tense moment passes]

 

AIMÉE: Are you alright?

JOYBOY: Things are not so good today.

AIMÉE: I know. All of this must be very hard for you.

JOYBOY: A tragedy!

AIMÉE: I understand.

JOYBOY: [close to tears] You will never know the anguish

AIMÉE: [sympathetically] No . . .

JOYBOY: Overwhelming. Things will never be the same again.

AIMÉE: In time – you’ll get over it.

JOYBOY: But she won’t.

AIMÉE: Who?

JOYBOY: MOM!

AIMÉE: [realising she may be at crossed purposes] Oh! [Slowly it dawns on her] There hasn’t been an accident?

JOYBOY: Fatal.

AIMÉE: Oh, how terrible. I’m so sorry.

JOYBOY: [blowing his nose] Thank you.

AIMÉE: I don’t know what to say. [Pause] Do you want to tell me how it happened?

JOYBOY: Just – old age. It comes to us all, I suppose.

AIMÉE: Of course.

JOYBOY: Even the feathered kind. Do you know, that parrot must have been over a hundred, but the end was still so – sudden?

AIMÉE: Mm.

JOYBOY: I’ve never seen Mom so cast down. She doesn’t know many people in LA... 

 

[SCENE continues: RETURN TO THE HAPPIER HUNTING GROUND]