ACT I SCENE 4

 

[The Reception Room at Whispering Glades – an opulent setting, sombre yet sensational. Music continues under accompanied by unseen heavenly voices. MISS POSKI enters]

 

POSKI: My name is Miss Poski – your Mortuary Hostess. Here at Whispering Glades, we dream of a New Earth sacred to Happiness. Here, amid all that Nature and Art can offer to elevate the Soul of Man is the Resting Place of Countless Loved Ones. You, the Waiting Ones, who still stand on the brink of that narrow stream that separates you from those that have gone before, be comforted in the certain knowledge that your Loved Ones are very near, in a beauty such as the earth cannot give. Enter Stranger and Be Happy . . . !

 

[The drapery ruches up to reveal the STAFF of Whispering Glades. Flooded in top light, they appear as a group of angels. A selection of caskets revolves slowly around them. The effect is reminiscent of Busby Berkeley]

 

POSKI:
WELCOME TO ALL THE HAPPINESS
OF WHISPERING GLADES
WE GRIEVE WITH THOSE THEY LEAVE BEHIND

AND PLAY AT CHARADES
BE OF GOOD CHEER
ENTER OUR WORLD
OF PINK LEMONADES
AT WHISPERING GLADES

WE HAVE A PILE OF BOOKS FOR YOU

ON WHISPERING GLADES

AND WHILE BEREAVEMENT LOOKS AT YOU

WE SUMMON OUR AIDS

PAPERBACK-SPINED CHEAPER TO BIND

THEY CHART THE DECADES

AT WHISPERING GLADES

 

ALL:
SO DON’T BE BROKEN HEARTED
YOUR RECENTLY DEPARTED
ARE HAPPY TO KNOW THEIR JOURNEY STARTED

AT WHISPERING GLADES

 

POSKI:
WE’LL FIX YOU UP AT ANY PRICE

AT WHISPERING GLADES
LADIES IN BRAIDS MOSTLY OLD MAIDS
PAY HOMAGE IN SPADES
IF THERE'S A TEAR BE OF GOOD CHEER
WHEN NEAR THE ARCADES

SOMETIMES THE SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

AT WHISPERING GLADES

 

POSKI: You are now standing in our splendid authentic replica of an old English manor, surrounded on four sides by the Whispering Glades Memorial Park – a park so beautiful that it seems a bit above the level of this world – a first step up towards Heaven! To the north – Forest Pines; to the south – The Havens of Peace; to the east – The Gardens of Memory; and to the west – Babyland. Take a wander through the Glade. Take a friend. Take a picnic. Make a day of it. And before you go, whatever you do, don’t miss the Good-Buy Gift Shop. You won’t be able to resist our fold-out souvenir postcards, tea-towels and memorial ashtrays. You can just ‘shop till you drop’!

 

POSKI:

WE LIKE OUR GUESTS TO FEEL AT HOME
AT WHISPERING GLADES
COME ALONG IN
SMILING’S NO SIN
IT TEASES THE SHADES
FLASH US A GRIN
WELCOME WITHIN
THE OLDEST OF TRADES
WELCOME TO ALL THE HAPPINESS

OF WHISPERING GLADES

 

POSKI: [To DENNIS, who has entered during this]: Now, Mr Barlow, is the funeral for yourself?
DENNIS: Certainly not. Do I look as if I were planning to die?
POSKI: Why, no. It’s just that the Waiting Ones sometimes like to make Before Need Arrangements.
DENNIS: Pardon me?
POSKI: Pay now, die later. You may well think it morbid at this time in your life, but as Hamlet so beautifully writes: “Know that Death is common; all that live must die”.
DENNIS: No, the purpose of my visit is to make burial arrangements for a friend who passed away recently.
POSKI: In which case, let me hand you over to the Whispering Glades Plot and Monument Coordinator.

 

THE ITALIAN PLOT AND MONUMENT COORDINATOR:
THE BEAUTY OF STONE
THOUGH MUCH IS ON LOAN

IS A FINE WORK OF ART

TO TUG AT THE HEART

A BEAUTY OR NOT

ISSA POT TO BE SHOT

ISSA GUY FULLA SNOT

ISSA DIE (DAY) WHEN ISSA HOT

ISSA SIGH (SIGN) ON THE DOT

WHEN YOU NOT GOT A LOT

I A-SHOW WHAT WE GOT

FOR A PLOT

YOU CAN A-BLOW IT OR NOT

 

[Four assistants join him in ‘Barber-shop’ style]

 

QUARTET:
DOWN IN THE GLADE
WE KEEP RODIN’S KISS
TO KEEP YOU IN MIND OF
THOSE LIPS THAT YOU MISS
YOU'LL SEE UP THE HILL
THE MANNEKEN PIS
A WATERY PLACE TO GO

 

POSKI: What was your Loved One’s business?

DENNIS: He was a writer.
POSKI: Ah, then Poets’ Corner would be the place for him. Are you acquainted with the works of Amelia Bergson?
DENNIS: I know of them.
POSKI: We sold Miss Bergson a Before Needs Reservation only yesterday, under the statue of the Greek poet Homer. I could put your friend right next to her. But perhaps you would like to see the zone before deciding?
DENNIS: I want to see everything.

 

QUARTET:
WE’VE GOT DOUBLE PLOTS
IN VALENTINE'S NEST
AND WALL STREET TYCOONS

UP AT VANDERBILT CREST
BUT IF YOU'RE BROKE
YOU'RE IN PILGRIMS REST
THAT’S WHERE THE WILD ORCHIDS GROW
THAT’S WHERE THE WILD ORCHIDS GROW
WILD ORCHIDS GROW

ITALIAN CO-ORDINATOR:
THAT’S WHERE THE WILD ORCHIDS GROW

 

DENNIS: What can one expect to pay for a plot in Pilgrims Rest?
POSKI: Fifty dollars – it’s behind the crematory fuel dump.
DENNIS: Price is not a primary consideration.
POSKI: I’ll have one of our guides take you round just as soon as I have all the essential data. Was your Loved One of any special religion?
DENNIS: He was agnostic.
POSKI: We have two non-sectarian churches in the Park and a number of non-sectarian pastors.
DENNIS: I believe Sir Ambrose Abercrombie is planning a special service.
POSKI: OH! Was your Loved One in films Mr Barlow? In that case he ought to be in Shadowland.
DENNIS: I think he would prefer to be with Homer and Miss Bergson.

POSKI: Very well. Let us now decide upon the coffin.

 

THE COFFIN-MAKER:
WE TAKE A PRIDE IN ALL THE MANY CASKETS THAT WE HAVE ON SHOW
IT SEEMS A SHAME THAT MOST OF THEM WILL CERTAINLY END UP BELOW
THE REST OF COURSE BEFORE YOU BLINK ARE NOTHING BUT A PILE OF ASH
A HEAP OF DUST IS ALL YOU GET YOU’LL SEE YOUR CASH GO IN A FLASH
MY CARPENTERS ARE SKILLED IN CRAFTING EACH AND EVERY TYPE OF WOOD
CEDAR BEECH MAHOGANY SPECIFICATIONS UNDERSTOOD
BUT WE KNOW FROM YEARS OF PRACTICE IN THE END YOUR GUILT WILL WIN
YOU’LL ONLY WANT THE VERY BEST FOR YOUR LOVED ONE TO TRAVEL IN
WE ACHIEVE A POLISH ON THE SURFACE THAT WILL MAKE YOU GLOAT A
FINISH THAT IS WATERTIGHT AND EVEN GUARANTEED TO FLOAT
NOW PREPARE YOURSELF TO MARVEL AT THE WORKMANSHIP INSIDE
WELL BLESS MY SOUL IT WOULD APPEAR THAT THIS ONE HERE IS OCCUPIED!

 

[The coffin he has decided to demonstrate is already taken. He quickly closes the lid and moves to another]
 

POSKI: How embarrassing.

COFFIN-MAKER:
AS YOUR LOVED ONE WAS A MALE WE THINK THE TWO PIECE LID WILL DO
THE BOTTOM HALF IS CLOSED TO LEAVE HIS UPPER PART EXPOSED TO VIEW
BUT IN THE CASE OF LADIES IF WE’RE ASKED WHY THEN OF COURSE WE WOULD
GO FOR THE FULL EXPOSURE BUT THEN ONLY IF HER LEGS WERE GOOD
CASKET LININGS ARE ESSENTIAL TO SET OFF THE PERFECT MOOD WE
RECENTLY ENTOMBED AN ACTOR ON THE SIDE REVIEWS WERE GLUED
WE HAVE FABRICS FOR THIS PURPOSE SATIN VELVET DENIM LACE
WE MAKE SURE YOU’LL GET UPHOLSTERED FOR YOUR FINAL RESTING PLACE
CHOOSE A COLOUR FROM THE SPECTRUM RUBY CRIMSON CHARCOAL GREY
LUXURIOUS AND COMFY AS THE INSIDE OF A CHEVROLET

BUT I SPY YOUR EYE HAS SETTLED ON OUR DELUXE WALNUT CHEST

IF YOU'RE IN DOUBT I'VE TRIED IT OUT YOU WANNA TRY IT BE MY GUEST

[Alternative:]
HERE'S OUR PATENT PROTOTYPE WHICH TAKES A FLASHLIGHT ONE OF HIS

IN CASE HE WAKES UP LATE ONE NIGHT AND WONDERS WHERE THE FUCK HE IS

 

POSKI: With or without brass handles?
DENNIS: Oh, with I think.
POSKI: Absolutely. Let us now decide on how the Loved One will be attired.

FRENCH TAILOR:
ALL THE FRENCH ARE MAD ABOUT THEIR FASHION
IT GLOWS WITH PASSION
MAIS OUI
TAKE A STROLL ALONG THE CHAMPS ÉLYSÉE
WHERE WINDOW SHOPPING IS FREE

IF ALL YOUR LIFE YOU’VE BEEN A STUNNER
TURNING HEADS AT EVERY CORNER
WOULD YOU DISAPPOINT THE MOURNER?
NON!
JUST LEAVE IT ALL TO ME

 

CHACUN A SON GOUT
WATCH MAMA SLIP AWAY IN CHRISTIAN DIOR
A LITTLE NUMBER WE CAN ALL ADORE
BIENVENU!
CHACUN A SON GOUT
AND IF YOU WANT TO PAY A LITTLE MORE
WE’LL COMB THE SHELVES FROM WHAT WE HAVE IN STORE
CHACUN A SON GOUT

TAILOR: All our garments are designed to enable us to dress the Loved One without disturbing the pose.
DENNIS: Remarkable.
POSKI: With or without trousers?
DENNIS: What do you mean – without trousers?
POSKI: For Slumber Room wear. It depends whether you wish the leave-taking to be on the chaise longue or in the casket.
DENNIS: Oh, the casket most definitely.
POSKI: In which case, as you have chosen the half-open exposure, a jacket and shirt will be sufficient.

FRENCH TAILOR:
CHACUN A SON GOUT
DRESSED IN A JACKET THAT IS CHIC AND CUTE
SOMETHING TO COVER UP HIS BIRTHDAY SUIT
COMPRENEZ-VOUS?
CHACUN A SON GOUT
AND SO WHATEVER THE CATASTROPHE
WE’LL BURN HIM UP IN SOMETHING TRES JOLIE
CHACUN A SON GOUT
CHACUN

 

GIRLS:
AND WHEN THE TIME HAS COME TO WALK THE GOLDEN MILE

 

FRENCH TAILOR:

CHACUN

 

GIRLS:
JUST GIVE A WINK AS THEY TRANSPORT YOU DOWN THE AISLE
CHACUN

 

FRENCH TAILOR:
IN YOUR CHAPEAU THE WORLD WILL KNOW THAT YOU’LL BE STEPPING OUT IN STYLE

 

FRENCH TAILOR & GIRLS:
CHACUN A SON GOUT

 

DENNIS: I must confess I am a little worried by the half-open bit. He doesn't look very sociable.
POSKI: Never fear, Mr Barlow. One of our cosmeticians is waiting to see you.
DENNIS: Cosmeticians? I’m not sure I like the idea of my friend being ‘touched-up’. He was always very sensitive about that sort of thing.
POSKI: Don’t worry. They have never failed yet. We had a Loved One last month who was found drowned – a ‘floater’ – been in the ocean a month and they only identified him by his wrist-watch. THEY FIXED THAT STIFF SO GOOD...! I’m sorry. Why, if he’d sat on a grenade, they’d make him presentable. May I introduce the Cosmetician from the Orchid Room.

 

[AIMÉE THANATOGENOS steps forward]
 

AIMÉE:
WE EXCEL IN RECREATING DETAIL
CAPTURING EXPRESSION IN THE FACE
WE REMOVE THE TRACES OF THE SUFFERING
LEAVE THEM SLEEPING IN A STATE OF GRACE
WITH A BRUSHSTROKE YOU WILL SEE THE LOVED ONE
HAPPY AS IN YESTERDAYS GONE BY
GIVING YOU THE HOPE THAT MAYBE ONE DAY
YOU’LL BE REUNITED WHEN YOU DIE
IN MY HANDS I’M LUCKY TO BE GIFTED
SOMETHING PRECIOUS SENT FROM UP ABOVE
THROUGH MY FINGERS AND MY TOUCH MY SOUL IS LIFTED
FILLING ME WITH LOVE

 

AIMÉE: Mr Barlow . . . are you alright?
DENNIS: Yes, I . . . I just seemed to have lost my concentration for a second, that’s all.
AIMÉE: I understand that this is a very difficult time for you. Perhaps we should continue with this tomorrow?
DENNIS: No, please carry on.
AIMÉE: I have some questions to ask you. If you find them too distressing, please ask me to stop.

 

AIMÉE:
WAS THE CAUSE OF DEATH EXSANGUINATION
DENNIS:
HOW MOST UNPLEASANT
AIMÉE:
WAS HE OFTEN PRONE TO SELF ABUSE
DENNIS:
IS THAT REQUISITE
AIMÉE:
ARE YOU IN POSSESSION OF HIS DENTURES
DENNIS:
NOT AT PRESENT
AIMÉE:
READY-MADES CAN WORK A LITTLE LOOSE

DENNIS:

HOW EXQUISITE

 

AIMÉE (WITH DENNIS):
MY ASSISSTANTS NEED TO KNOW EXPRESSION / WOMEN WERE MADE FOR PLEASURE
DID HE KEEP A RAZOR BY HIS BED / NO TWO OF THEM ARE THE SAME
WAS HE EVER PRONE TO DEEP DEPRESSION / THIS ONE IS MADE TO MEASURE
WAS IT HIS OWN HAIR UPON HIS HEAD / TO SOIL HER WOULD BE A SHAME
WOULD YOU HAVE DESCRIBED HIM AS CONTENTED / HER EYES ARE GREEN; HER SMILE IS SAD
WAS HE PHILOSOPHICALLY SAD / HER TEETH ARE CLEAN; A TOOTHPASTE AD 
WAS HE PSYCHOLOGICALLY HALF DEMENTED / STEADY DENNIS
LUNATIC OR MAD / SHE'LL DRIVE YOU MAD

 

[For a second, their eyes meet]

 

DENNIS: When shall I see you again?
AIMÉE: The day after tomorrow, at the leave-taking to see that everything is correct.
POSKI: I have our zone guide ready to take you to the site, Mr Barlow.

DENNIS: Who shall I ask for?
AIMÉE: Just say the Cosmetician from the Orchid Room.
DENNIS: The Cosmetician from the Orchid Room.

 

SOLO 1:
SORROW IS NOT A WORD THAT’S HEARD

AT WHISPERING GLADES
SOLO 2:
TAKE IT FROM ME OUR PHILOSOPHY

THAT DARKNESS PERVADES
POSKI:
SEEING HIS SMILE MAKES OUR JOB WORTHWHILE
ALL:
AS HE SERENADES WHISPERING GLADES
 

WE TAKE AN EXTRA HOLIDAY
AT WHISPERING GLADES

COME FOR THE FUN

TAKE IN THE SUN

WE'VE GOT IT IN SPADES

FLASH US A GRIN
WELCOME WITHIN
THE JACK  OF ALL TRADES
WELCOME TO ALL THE HAPPINESS
OF WHISPERING GLADES

WELCOME TO ALL THE HAPPINESS

OF WHISPERING GLADES

AAAAAH